


The Day The Music Died

by ConfusedStateOfMind



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Gen, Protective brother Five, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, vanya deserves better, vanya whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-10-17 11:03:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20619977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConfusedStateOfMind/pseuds/ConfusedStateOfMind
Summary: It was their 13 birthday, Vanya felt like dying.After her brothers disappearance, Vanya slips into a rabbit hole of loneliness, self loathing and a dangerous spiral of self harm.





	1. The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had

**Author's Note:**

> Story Title: American pie by Don McLean
> 
> Chapter Title: Mad world by Gary Jules and Michael Andrews

It was their 13 birthday, Vanya felt like dying. 

She could hear the cutlery clinking as her siblings laughed, she could picture the birthday cake their mother had made that afternoon, the delicious white buttercream frosting with yellow decorative roses, the thought of the vanilla and chocolate swirl batter made her mouth water as she laid on her bed staring at the ceiling, deep brown watermarks stained what was once was cream coloured paint, she counted how many stains and marks were up there. 

She had cried when her father sent her up to her room, yelling nasty things at her as she ran to her room, rushing past Five and Ben who reached out worriedly, tears streaming down her face as she slammed her door shut and launched herself onto her twin sized bed. Vanya cried into her pillow until she felt numb, she shifted onto her back and stayed there for hours. The sound of rain pounding against the roof in its consistent rhythm brought her close to drifting off into slumber. 

A knock came at the door, it creaked open as her mother became visible in the doorway. Smiling softly, her mother’s heels clicked as she made her way over to Vanya, dropping to her knees as she got to the side of her bed. In her hands she held a slice of cake, a small purple candle was lit and gave a soft brilliance to the dark room. 

“Happy birthday, sweetheart.” Grace whispered softly, lifting the plate up. “Make a wish.” Vanya's face broke out into a half hearted smile, she shuffled over to the end of the bed and leaned forwards. Closing her eyes for a moment, she opened them again and blew out the candle. “Yaaaay!” Grace whispered happily. 

“Thank you mom.” Vanya mumbled through the smile, her cheeks hurt as she forced it. 

“You should really thank Five, Ben and Klaus. It was their idea. Your father wouldn’t let them come up themselves, so I figured I’d bring you a treat. You deserve it, after all.” She handed the plate to her along with a fork, Vanya took it gratefully. 

“Happy Birthday, Sweetie.” Her mother whispered as she left a small kiss in Vanyas nose before standing up and spinning on her heels and walking out the door, closing it behind her. 

Vanya looked at the cake but didn’t eat it. She stared at it for a while before setting it on her bedside table. She could hear her father's voice downstairs, the sound brought her to tears again. 

Loneliness is one of the worst things in the world. She was all too familiar with the feeling. She wasn’t granted much time with her siblings, if they wanted to be around her in the first place. Mom visited her, though it didn’t really satisfy her longing for a life full of love,  _ Jesus she was so selfish.  _

Vanya was suffocating in a sea of loneliness, self loathing and neglect, her body felt hollow, her mind felt numb. Her wrists ached. 

These days it was almost too easy to fade seamlessly into the background without being noticed by her so called family. The cursed, unwanted number seven, so unloved, so invisible you can look right at her and she’s not there.

  
  
  


Worthless, weak, unloveable Seven. On days where the glares from the others were like spears in her skin, she desired to carve. Her arm was bare, her fingers twitched. She was so unless she couldn’t even bring herself to end it. 

  
  


Glasses clinked together from the dining room as a man made a toast to the Umbrella Academy. 

_ Happy birthday to me _ , something whispered in her head as she sobbed into her pillow. 

Quiet, sad, pathetic, jealous seven.

She was a good for nothing, boring waste of space. Taking a few extra pills, not like anybody noticed, barely eating and invisible in plain sight. Five and Ben might catch onto her, but what’s the chance they’d find out before it’s too late?

  
  
  
  
  
  


They sat at the table eating lunch, she ate a bite or two, she nudged the food with her fork, ignoring fives concerned glared.  _ Eat  _ he mouthed. 

_ I’m not hungry  _ she quietly snapped back at him. 

  
  
  
  
  


The next day, he was gone. He ran off at lunch and didn’t return. 

Vanya was pushed to the side just like always, this time Five wasn’t there to comfort her. She swallowed six more pills than usual, what’s the point?

  
  


Ever since the one week mark of Fives disappearance, her nights were consisting of sleepless hours of heavy tears and bloody razors and glass. The silent footsteps she’s forced to take to be unseen as she fetched the spare pill bottle from the kitchen. 

She’s number Seven and she’s a nobody. 

Five was gone and never coming back. 

Ben drifted away along with Klaus, she was truly alone. 

She wanted to die. 


	2. All The Lonely People, Where Do They All Come From?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles

Vanya was losing a lot of weight, she could tell. Her ribs were visible when she lifted her shirt, she was constantly cold and light headed, and the thought of taking another bite of food made her sick. 

She sat on Fives old bed, it’s vacant state had been that way for months, an eternity to Vanya. 

She stared at the walls, eyes tracing the equations carved into the walls by her brainiac brother.  _ Where did you go? _

She could hear her siblings laughing from the next room over.  _ What was wrong with them? They don’t even care that he’s gone. _

It was quite true for Vanya Hargreeves, life was an ocean, space and time were the waves, pain was the winds and Vanya was the one unfortunate enough to get pulled by the current and get herself caught in the hurricane, a whirlwind of agony and torment. She was suffocating,  _ drowning _ in a typhoon of overpowering and prodigious emotions, and her siblings were lifeguards; standing on the shore, lacking the regard to go out and save her. 

  
  
  
  
  


Then Mom called them down for supper. 

Her siblings give her no more than a sideways glance. 

_ They don’t notice that their own sister is slowly deteriorating right in front of their eyes. _

She didn’t eat anything, the thought of taking a bite of food made her want to be sick. 

Her father dismissed them, all her siblings ran past her without looking at her. 

She stood in front of his painted portrait that hung on the wall in the foyer of the mansion. 

“Hey Five.” She whispered as she looked up at his face. 

_ This was so fucking stupid _ . 

But she continued. “I-I can’t do this anymore.” Her voice broke as her eyes grew wet, she looked around quickly to make sure no one was around to see her talking to a fucking painting, they would thing she’s gone mad,  _ maybe she had.  _

“Why-why did you leave me?” She let out a small sob, Vanya held both her hands to her mouth to muffle the sound of her cries. “Sometimes I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up. Live in a dream world, you’d be there and we’d be happy. Wouldn’t that be something?”

Silence answered her. But she continued. 

“ _ I’m trying Five.  _ I really am, but it’s  _ so hard. _ I can’t-“ she inhaled sharply. 

“I’m terrified of being like this for the rest of my life. I mean, I’m talking to a fucking painting! I haven’t eaten in days, I-I steal Diego’s knives and- You would be so ashamed of me.” She sobbed into her hands and bent her knees, crying in a crouched position. 

“I tried, I’m so fucking broken, I don’t want to be alive anymore.”

Her brothers painted eyes stared down at her, his stoic expression mocking her as she broke down once again. 

When Vanya heard her siblings finish their training, she retreated to her room where she continued to cry for the rest of the day. 

  
  


Vanya slept in her brothers empty room that night, wondering if she’d see him again, would it be in life or in death?

Perhaps if he was truly gone, she could be reunited with him. 

  
  


**—————**

  
  
  
  


Vanya didn’t know what she expected. She wrote the book, sent it to a publisher, then one day while walking to work she saw it in a bookstore window. She knew she should hate herself, she sure as hell knew her siblings hated her for it, but they could never hate her more than she already hated herself, and if they never cared about what she did in the past, why on earth would they start caring now? She was worthless, good for nothing waste of space. 

  
  


Vanya was currently picking at her take out chinese food, which was mediocre in taste and lukewarm in heat. It was raining heavily, she could feel the food sitting like a rock in her stomach. Over the past few weeks she’d been forcing herself to eat, Vanya found it such a struggle to keep herself alive nowadays, she was dreadfully depressed, her razor just as red as it was during her childhood, she couldn’t afford health insurance or car insurance,  _ let alone an actual car.  _ Her family hated her and Vanya had never felt such loneliness. She was touch starved, she was in great pain. Vanya was so  _ fucking tired.  _

Yet, she could never bring herself to pull a trigger, jump from her apartment window, cut deeper on her wrist. 

Vanya's life was bleak. Everyday she did the same thing. Wake up, force herself to eat, practice her violin, go to work at the diner, come home, teach her students, make dinner, cut, cry on the couch, go to bed. 

  
  


Vanya had developed a slight drinking problem, just another thing to add to the list of things wrong with her. She drank herself to sleep sometimes, but she’d like to say she had at least some self control, she’d only pass out drunk when her pain and grief became extremely, she only drank a few glasses a day instead of bottles on average. 

  
  


How many times had she wished she had just finished it years ago? How many times did she wish she could have never been born?

_ Too many times. Too many nights spent staring at random people’s facebook pages with images of happy lives, joyous families, smiling kids. Too many times she’d thought about how tragedy always swooped down and ruined her life with each chance of happiness she was offered, the universe had it out for her, with Five, with Ben, and her sanity. _

She poured another glass of Whiskey and Diet Coke, and took sips of it trying to wash down the terrible chinese food while binge watching Netflix, passing out while watching Pulp Fiction. 

—

It was dark when she heard the news. Vanya was numbly shuffling back from her apartment from rehearsal, her face stoic. When she saw the TV in the shop window, Vanya stared for a while, then, she laughed. And again, before slapping a hand over her mouth and fully breaking out into a bunch of rather morbid giggles, the people around her thought she was insane,  _ after all these years, it wouldn’t surprise her if she had truly gone mad. _

It was probably wrong that the first time she’d laughed in years was over her fathers death, but she couldn’t stop herself. After years and years of being numb, the old bastards death set off a feeling of weight being lifted off her shoulders. 

Vanya took out the prescription bottle and poured out six pills and continued back to her apartment, small tears of joy running down her now blank face. 

———

  
  


Vanya didn’t know why she went to the funeral. She contemplated it as she cleaned her razor, there was no getting out of it. She had to go to the stupid funeral she decided.

  
  


Walking through her childhood home was like walking through a house of horror on halloween. 

She was greeted by Allison, her sister’s beautiful face brought memories of the movie posters she passed on her way to work, this time her sisters smile was directed at her specifically, Vanya didn’t like it one bit. She pulled at her sleeves and offered Allison a forced smile, the stench of alcohol had stuck pretty well to her skin so she tried not to get too close to her sister. 

Diego was delightful as always. “Not much of a smart move showing up here, especially not after what you did.”

_ Well no fucking shit.  _

She couldn’t bring up the words to defend herself, she just stared as her brother and sister argued right in front of her, as if she wasn’t there. 

—-

As expected, the rest of her siblings didn’t react well to her presence, though most of them tried to hide it, Vanya learned to see through it a long time ago. Not really paying attention to Luther, Vanya mindlessly stood up and walked blankly over to the bar and grabbed a of whiskey. Her siblings looked at her in a judgmental way, which didn’t help her conscious. 

  
  
  


“Oooo, can I have a sip of that?” Klaus asked as she sat back down. 

She wordlessly handed the bottle over to him, after a second Klaus handed it back. Her brothers scowled, Allison shot them a pointed look as Klaus and Vanya took turns taking swigs from the bottle of whiskey. 

She could practically read Luther’s mind, the huge guy was embarrassingly easy to read. 

_ Great. One of you is a junky, the other is a drunk. How fucked up is this family? _

  
  


“You two aren’t in the right frame of mind to be participating in any conversation right now.” Luther remarked instead. 

“Fuck you.” Vanya mumbled as she pulled the bottle away from her lips. 

“Yeah, not cool bro!” Klaus exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air in offense. 

“Luther, leave them alone.” Allison verbalized. 

“Dad’s gone,” Diego spoke, trying to break the tension. “This is our home now, not his. He’s not here to tell us what to do.” 

  
  


Vanya made eye contact with her brother, she felt her eyes start to water because,  _ fuck _ , he actually seemed to care despite snapping a her after 30 seconds since walking through thew door. The look in her brothers eyes was foreign, especially after a childhood like hers. “Anyways Vanya,” He looked her up and down, she pulled her sweater sleeves down further. “When was the last time you ate?”

Wait, what?

“I'm sorry?”

He’s glaring again; it made her want to shrink back into the couch and hide. “When did you eat last? Food, remember? Or do you just want to keep drinking alcohol as a substitute for sustenance?”

_ Since when did this guy care? _

Vanya gaped at him as Klaus crows a too-high laugh, swiping the bottle of whiskey from her hand. 

Diego rolled his eyes. “Whatever. You look like shit. I’m sure mom’ll make you some food.”

  
  


-

It was raining heavily as they gathered outside at their fathers pitifully dull funeral. Klaus had practically duck taped Vanya to his side and kept the pink umbrella over both of their heads as they watched Luther dump the ashes. Things were going pretty well, all things considered. 

Then, a flash of white and blue light. 

And Five.  _ Five.  _ Her Five, her best friend was standing right in front of them,  _ alive.  _

She held a hand over her mouth and tried to stop the tears,  _ she was failing miserably _ , Klaus put an arm around her shoulders and led her inside, Vanya did her best to avoid a full on break down. 

  
  
  
  


———-

This was wrong. 

  
  


_ This boy was not her Five.  _ He wasn’t her beloved brother, but a strange look alike. His attitude, his habits, his overall demeanor. Sure, he looked like his 13 year old self, but this boy was somebody else. He barely looked at her as he ate  _ their special childhood sandwich. _

The old Five noticed things, things the others and not even Ben noticed about her. He noticed the day before his disappearance the missing pills and her decrease in weight. 

But this new Five didn’t notice or care, no one noticed when she had a nervous breakdown and stole a kitchen knife, none noticing her disappearance into the bathroom for an abnormal amount of time. 

  
  


-

After an hour of sitting in awkward silence after returning from the bathroom, she could tell her siblings were tired of it, as was she. Five paced around, deep in thought, Diego looked annoyed at their brothers constant movement, Luther looked lost, Allison looked antsy, Klaus just looked bored. Standing suddenly, Vanya mumbled. “I’m heading out.” And took the half empty bottle of whiskey with her. No one objected, not even Allison who looked up at her with worried eyes.  _ She didn’t mean it, though.  _

But the new Five stopped her as she got to the front door. “It hurts me to see you this way, sis.” he said, making her stop in her tracks. The voice, her brothers voice, she now realized how she's missed it. 

“W-what do you mean?” Of course, she did know what he meant, she was well aware of how big of a mess she was. Messy hair, stench of alcohol, huge bags under eyes, fuck, she’s been carrying around a bottle of whiskey over the entire course of their fathers funeral. Not to mention the new blood staining the inside of her favourite sweaters sleeves. 

“I’m fine, Five. Just tired.”

“Bullshit. You look like shit.”

_ Why was everyone saying that to her today? It’s not like she was unaware of her physical and mental state.  _

Her,  _ -younger? older? _ \- brother stared at her, not seeming to be afraid of eye contact. There was something in his eyes nonetheless, something  _ off _ , something that made her feel nervous, it made her feel  _ afraid.  _

Her long lost brothers once bright eyes were cold, and they stared right into hers.


End file.
